So if you like poetry….specifically Spoken Word, watch this video.


I just wrote the poem…. it’s for all the women out there who refuse to waste time on someone who isn’t good for them. Keep it moving, girl. We’ll be alright.

Immediately Afterwards.

Immediately Afterwards.

What We Talk About When We Talk About Love……. to Four Year Olds.

My love-child came home from her father’s house today. My boyfriend and I sat at the kitchen table as she ate her pot pie and talked about her weekend. She’s always known momma and dad live in different houses but she’s never truly asked why. Well….. tonight she did. And this is how it went:

Ava:(chews pot pie)”Mom…. did dad EVER love you?”
Me:(silent as I consider my response)”Baby…. your dad STILL loves me.”
Ava:”…… oh…. so did you ever love him?”
Me:”I did. A long time ago. I did love him…. but things change. People change their minds. Hey, it’s okay to change your mind, alright?”
Ava:(with a big spoonful of chicken and peas and carrots in hand)”Oh…. so you mean it’s okay if I change my mind about Justin Bieber?”
Me:(smiling)”Yes….that’s exactly what I mean.”

My baby. She’s so young and so innocent. My mom never talked to me the way I talk with Ava. My mother never bothered with things like conversation and love stories. my mother knew of war and dedication and I gained strength through her weaknesses. My baby. What will she ask me in another four years? What about another four after that? Her mind is magnificent…. yet I fear she knows too much already…. at such a young age. My baby…. when was the last time you truly were a baby?

<3

23 feels good to me. (my man and I at dinner for my bday)

23 feels good to me. (my man and I at dinner for my bday)

What It Feels Like To Breathe:

The Pros and Cons of Being Alive

February 24, 2012

Dear You,

      I’m writing to you today because I feel empty… because I feel alone…. Because I’m not a sad person and right now, getting up in the morning for another day is more agonizing than a slow and painful death. Death. I never thought I’d ever see someone I care about, die before my eyes. But I have…. I’ve seen death… and it’s haunting me.

      Daniel was my overnight manager when I worked the graveyard shift at the hotel. He was gay and could be a bit of a queen at times but I loved him. We were perverted and loud and had the best talks. I knew he had cancer and the tumors would come and go but he always swore he had a good five years at least. I didn’t like talking about it because it made me uncomfortable. When he needed more treatment, the hotel gave him an extended leave of absence to handle his business. I was expecting him back this year. A friend called the front desk the other night saying he suddenly got worse and it wasn’t looking good. I planned on visiting him the next evening. I woke up to a text saying he wouldn’t make it passed the afternoon. I got to the Hospice at almost 11am and his entire family surrounded the bed. A few coworkers who were also close with him were already there. I stood at the foot of the bed and looked at him. He was withered and small and was having a hard time breathing. One of his eyes was closed and the other was rolled back and I can’t get the image of this out of my head. The moment I saw him, I cried. I couldn’t be strong. I touched his leg and one of those preacher men came in to say a prayer. The second the prayer was done I looked at him as he took his final breath. His pale lips parted and his eyes shots open and stayed that way…..frozen in time…frozen in an Amen that I failed to say, for prayer makes me uncomfortable and I’d rather think positive thoughts…. I had none at that moment. I turned away as his mother kissed him and told him it wouldnt hurt anymore….that the pain was gone. I couldnt do it. I walked out and got in my car and drove home.

      I try to keep busy. I try not to think of his last breath and the light leaving his eyes. I try not to think of Judy, his best friend, walking through the lobby at work today, with nothing but tear stained cheeks and not even a hello. Daniel and I hadn’t been close in a long time, but I still loved him. I still shared long nights with him. Whether we were close or not, I still see him sitting at his desk laughing at my perversion…..then before I can smile, I see him dead….in a hospital bed that I’m sure many others have died in before him…..

      To make things worse, other aspects of my life are shitty as hell right now also. My best friend had been MIA for a few weeks. Work sucks so much asshole too and dont even get me started on school….. Nevertheless, all of this is miniscule compared to Daniel’s untimely death.

      I’m a generally positive/happy person. I cry more during movies and video games and books than I do during shitty moments in my life…..but lately I’ve been so weak. And the fucked up part about it is I, who have been here/there for almost everyone I know, have no one to talk to. To cry to. To just be miserable to. I was eating a Honey BBQ Chicken Sandwich just now…. Ava was singing The Nightmare Before Christmas songs, and I just started silently crying…. I couldn’t stop. The tears just kept pouring out and then I remembered my uncle was in the backyard doing yardwork before the babyshower tomorrow (his daughter is having a boy)….. he comes in and is trying to talk to me about bushes and I say a lot of MHMMs and YUPs and then I choke on my burger like a jackass and he sees that I’m crying. I try to regain my composure but it’s too late…. He asks me what I’ve been wanting ANYONE to ask me….ANYONE at all….”Hey Sabbie, are you ok?”

      I’m not okay. I’m sad. And I don’t know why I cant stop being sad. Its not never ending….it just keeps coming at random times, out of nowhere… while I’m eating…. or driving…. or doing math homework…. or watching Judy try to get through work without wanting to break down…. I’m sad….and I have no one to talk to about it because everyone has their own life and can’t be bothered and I get that…. I get it….

      I just want to be okay again….this isn’t like me…. I’m a happy person….

-Me

Pros: I got nothing, kids.

Cons: Too much to type.

Love in a Time of Cholera…or Meningitus…

My Darling was building his computer by the sunlight of his curtainless window the day I started writing this in his almost-new notebook. I lay on his bed, reading one of his books. There is a soundtrack here…. music I have never heard until today and it’s been far too long since I’ve felt inspired or relieved…let alone love….taking over me. And I see your face, smiling in all the places I plan to be. It’s big and bright and silence makes comfortable sense at night. You’re here… like I never thought you would be. Quiet and humble and lovely in more ways than one. I told him I didn’t deserve this…. He said I deserve everything. And his half-painted walls are a reminder of every sacrifice he’s made to convince me to stay….and I love you. In the most grateful of ways. And my love is loud and unshy and overwhelming (at times) and it catches him off guard but I never mean for it to…. It just explodes into the world. The way love’s supposed to. Explodes like excitement and new ideas and stardust that you see in movies. Explodes like magic and sunlight beating down on sleepy eyes the morning after your first night together….when you realize he still has his arms around you, in the same position you fell asleep in…. because there’s no greater feeling than knowing you had no reason to move from that spot, during your sleep…that there was no discomfort or too much body heat….and how you hope it’s like that forever.

His sickness came bursting through my bedroom door unannounced and with no invitation… It took him away without cause or reason and in fits of frustration and fear, I questioned all we had and how far we had come… and for a second there, I thought he might leave. After months of falling asleep and waking up to him, I was alone just as I had been for three years before him. The three years that seemed nonexistent when we were busy making memories together….when he was feeding me doritos during Harry Potter nights and making cakes with Ava on her iPhone app. I saw him tonight. He was released from the hospital and out of respect for his mother,whom I had just met, I did not kiss him upon arrival. We laughed and talked and had dinner with his mother then he walked me to my car and I talked up a storm and he kissed me to silence me for a second and once again….electricity. And it hurt because it was all I had been waiting for since he left for the hospital and I knew it was a make it or break it kiss for me and it’s unheard of…how divine that kiss was and the only reason it hurt was because I felt guilty for questioning it at all.

My Darling. Through you, I have learned that it isn’t how long you’ve loved someone that determines love’s intensity, it is how hard you love them. And I love you like concrete heartbeats. I do not need a reason to adore you, I just do. I love you without caution because there is no careful way to truly love someone. We are not careful with our hearts. We are so trusting. And whether it ends in tragedy or in old age… right here, right now, at this very second…. I am happy (and you are sleeping) and I will see you tomorrow because tomorrow has promised me your safe return to my arms and bed.

Mamma Indian and Baby Indian

Sometimes Little Girls Grow Up To Be Women….

            
     but most just grow into insecure dumbasses. And I remember having outlandish expectations for men and then constantly wondering why so many of them took a chance with other women… women who frankly, had close to nothing to offer them. I spent so much of my time dreaming up perfection in the form of man, when I myself was far from it. I wanted someone physically flawless and kept wishing for all the wrong things. He has to be tall and skinny and he has to NOT wear flipflops and NOT listen to this kind of music. I want him to have a beard….YES! Sexy, sexy beards are SEXY! His sneaker game MUST be on point.

Who was I kidding? That’s not how it works. A guy from California who used to love me, told me I expect too much out of men and he’s right…in some ways. Just recently, as in the last year, I’ve grown to TRULY realize that physical attraction will only last so long and eventually, that will disappear with years…then what? What else is left to love? To attract you to that person? I’ve spent the aftermath of my last breakup(3yrs ago), finding myself and eventually loving/accepting who I am that I became so inappropriately FULL of myself.

     I’m starting to think I hadn’t really found myself at all… Maybe I just found a temporary happy place within me that has faded with lonliness and now I’m coming to the terms with the fact that maybe….just maybe… I WAS concieted and it DID make girls hate me and men too intimidated to speak a word to me. I pride myself on being a role model for young women….specifically young moms…But I’m not. I’m a big-headed woman with too much pride and not enough humble blood in my veins….and I’m sorry.

     Over that last year I’ve drowned myself in articles and documentaries and stories about things that really matter. I’ve soaked in someone else’s sorrows and sacrifice and have never felt more close to humanity and less close to “god”. Over the last year and mostly these last few months, my entire outlook on men and relationships and priorities have changed. Where once lived selfishness and shallow-minded thoughts, now breathes consideration and adoration for what truly matters…. and that is life….and the opportunity to live. Something so many people are robbed of. There are children all over the world who will wake up hungry this morning and who do not have the love of a mother that Ava, my daughter, has. There are people who are never given the chance to survive.



     I see the world in a different light and maybe this post is all over the place and maybe 95% of you wont even read it but what I’m trying to say is…. I realized that a man’s sneaker game and physicality mean absolutely nothing in the long-run. Nothing at all. Of course a career, and ambitions, and independence are things that I want in a man… But I’ve come to the conclusion that whether he wears flip flops or has facial hair or not, is nothing of importance. I recently was re-introduced to a man who is the epitome of everything I’d ever want in a guy. He’s ambitious, goal oriented, funny, and handsome….but he’s so much more than that. He’s compassionate and cares for humanity and the environment as well. He’s an all around good man…. and physically…. he’s everything I never wanted as a girl…. funny how things change… how one’s views can do a complete 180 once something or someone has impacted them.

     He has a girlfriend, by the way. Just my luck, huh? Moral of the story…. Sometimes little girls grow up to be women…. and sometimes being a woman and knowing when and how to be humble will set you free from an over egotistical/selfish world. I love Chanel and I love Prada….I love bearded men and guys with nice shoes…. But I could never marry someone who lacked compassion. Who lacked humbleness.

     Don’t lose yourself in this world, ladies…. Find the person you’re destined to be and keep fighting off demons.

Quiet Right…Not so Quiet or Right Anymore.


I remember holding a bouquet full of overgrown sunflowers as I watched you walk down the aisle on the hottest day of that summer. Your maid of honor and I was indeed honored. Vows were made and songs were played and although I felt like this were a bad idea, I stuck by you because 12 years of friendship has made our bond untouchable and whatever decision you made, I’d still be there in the end…

You were different then… Nursed me when I needed you to because I was always the disastrous one….you were always the quiet right. Bad girls grow up to be appreciative women but you were always so good to the world, no matter how fucked up it was to you. So I grew into a woman of good intentions after all the hard hits I endured. I grew into a woman who wanted more from the world for the sake of her first born. Motherhood has taught me to fight for the right things and so I fight on the good side…most of the time. 


I don’t know why it comes as a surprise to me that you have grown selfish and wrong and even cowardly. I don’t know why I’m surprised that my Quiet Right is no longer sweet and shy. I don’t know you anymore. 12 years of knowing EXACTLY who you were and now I can’t see you anymore. Your eyes, no longer blinking with good intention and your words, now slurred with nonsense I cannot comprehend. You’ve changed overnight and it’s the type of rebellion we ALL go through…but usually when we’re teenagers…with no responsibility to consider.

So he left you (again) in the night… for blurred roads and possibilities unknown and your way of punishing him and pleasuring yourself has proven to be deadly to our friendship and our bond as mothers. You aren’t stupid… you just want to do stupid shit right now and I thought it was a phase but it’s now staying longer than expected and I hate the new you. I want no part of her. She’s obnoxious and selfish and inconsiderate and frankly….a little embarrassing at times. A mutual friend asked me what’s gotten into you…and I had not a solid answer.

This may hurt you, it may upset you, it may even anger you…. but it’s truth. Truth that your new friends cannot spread. Truth that only people who KNOW you can give. I never deemed myself a saint… you of all people know that. But I have changed in more ways than one and I’m proud to be who I am in the morning. Are you? Do you wake up still loving yourself after your drunken decisions the night before? I think you have lost sight of what really matters in life…I am PRAYING it’s only momentarily…for the sake of yourself, my godson and our friendship.

I want you humble again. I want you happy and responsible. I want your new found confidence to stay but I want you less selfish.

I love you… recently, I’ve had to convince myself to…but it’s still there…Like 5th grade…when you were still my Quiet Right.

Happy Easter From MissBehavin and Mini-MissBehavin

Keep your heart three stacks….keep your heart.

                                           


And this is the type of noise your girls warn you about over margaritas. The “we’re just having fun” type shit that gets heavy real quick and I’ve seen you smile sober and dance drunk and your temper is tolerable when your jealousy comes out but you’re making me dinner now and we’ve mentioned plans so where do we draw the line at? Where does the fun need to end? Because I know where you’re coming from and I’ve been down that road. I’m not trying to marry this guy, but shit is confusing at times. Leave it to me to over analyze any and everything that comes into contact with me but what do you expect? If it was JUST sex then I would know. Yo we’re just having fun, right? It’s all in good fun. My girl told me I should stay guarded and not go on expecting too much. I agree. But every woman knows that no matter how bad of a bitch she is, the second something good comes around, shit begins to change. I don’t want to be gay but fuck…. I miss you when you’re not around and these are dangerous waters we’re treading through but no one’s stopping me… not even you.

So of course I’ll take it day by day because that’s what you do in these kinds of situations. I’ll get it when you give it and we’ll continue with our dinner dates and future plans but if I wake up one day feeling like you should be here right next to me, and if in fact, you aren’t, then that’s my queue to dip out, right? We can only have fun for so long before you inevitably expect a little more, want a little more, need a little more…. and you’re aren’t reaching for my hand just yet so I run forward without you, a little more…just to keep on the safe side a little more. I know we’re taking it day by day… and I’m okay with that… But I miss you when you’re gone. And you’re not really my type to be quite honest. You’re quiet and short but you’re intelligent and ambitious and you have your shit together and that’s sexy. You’re R&B in bed and i don’t mind one bit.

Yeah he’s r&b in bed and I can definitely live with that.

Mini-Me&#8230; She&#8217;s Been A Real Diva Lately.

Mini-Me… She’s Been A Real Diva Lately.

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