The Pros and Cons of Being Alive

February 24, 2012

Dear You,

      I’m writing to you today because I feel empty… because I feel alone…. Because I’m not a sad person and right now, getting up in the morning for another day is more agonizing than a slow and painful death. Death. I never thought I’d ever see someone I care about, die before my eyes. But I have…. I’ve seen death… and it’s haunting me.

      Daniel was my overnight manager when I worked the graveyard shift at the hotel. He was gay and could be a bit of a queen at times but I loved him. We were perverted and loud and had the best talks. I knew he had cancer and the tumors would come and go but he always swore he had a good five years at least. I didn’t like talking about it because it made me uncomfortable. When he needed more treatment, the hotel gave him an extended leave of absence to handle his business. I was expecting him back this year. A friend called the front desk the other night saying he suddenly got worse and it wasn’t looking good. I planned on visiting him the next evening. I woke up to a text saying he wouldn’t make it passed the afternoon. I got to the Hospice at almost 11am and his entire family surrounded the bed. A few coworkers who were also close with him were already there. I stood at the foot of the bed and looked at him. He was withered and small and was having a hard time breathing. One of his eyes was closed and the other was rolled back and I can’t get the image of this out of my head. The moment I saw him, I cried. I couldn’t be strong. I touched his leg and one of those preacher men came in to say a prayer. The second the prayer was done I looked at him as he took his final breath. His pale lips parted and his eyes shots open and stayed that way…..frozen in time…frozen in an Amen that I failed to say, for prayer makes me uncomfortable and I’d rather think positive thoughts…. I had none at that moment. I turned away as his mother kissed him and told him it wouldnt hurt anymore….that the pain was gone. I couldnt do it. I walked out and got in my car and drove home.

      I try to keep busy. I try not to think of his last breath and the light leaving his eyes. I try not to think of Judy, his best friend, walking through the lobby at work today, with nothing but tear stained cheeks and not even a hello. Daniel and I hadn’t been close in a long time, but I still loved him. I still shared long nights with him. Whether we were close or not, I still see him sitting at his desk laughing at my perversion…..then before I can smile, I see him dead….in a hospital bed that I’m sure many others have died in before him…..

      To make things worse, other aspects of my life are shitty as hell right now also. My best friend had been MIA for a few weeks. Work sucks so much asshole too and dont even get me started on school….. Nevertheless, all of this is miniscule compared to Daniel’s untimely death.

      I’m a generally positive/happy person. I cry more during movies and video games and books than I do during shitty moments in my life…..but lately I’ve been so weak. And the fucked up part about it is I, who have been here/there for almost everyone I know, have no one to talk to. To cry to. To just be miserable to. I was eating a Honey BBQ Chicken Sandwich just now…. Ava was singing The Nightmare Before Christmas songs, and I just started silently crying…. I couldn’t stop. The tears just kept pouring out and then I remembered my uncle was in the backyard doing yardwork before the babyshower tomorrow (his daughter is having a boy)….. he comes in and is trying to talk to me about bushes and I say a lot of MHMMs and YUPs and then I choke on my burger like a jackass and he sees that I’m crying. I try to regain my composure but it’s too late…. He asks me what I’ve been wanting ANYONE to ask me….ANYONE at all….”Hey Sabbie, are you ok?”

      I’m not okay. I’m sad. And I don’t know why I cant stop being sad. Its not never ending….it just keeps coming at random times, out of nowhere… while I’m eating…. or driving…. or doing math homework…. or watching Judy try to get through work without wanting to break down…. I’m sad….and I have no one to talk to about it because everyone has their own life and can’t be bothered and I get that…. I get it….

      I just want to be okay again….this isn’t like me…. I’m a happy person….

-Me

Pros: I got nothing, kids.

Cons: Too much to type.