I have lost you… I have lost you in suffering and pain. I have lost you on uneven streets, in crowded cities where no one is perfect and people make mistakes. I have lost you with age. Lord, my imaginary friend….I have lost you…..

And I grew up reciting Hail Marys’ and Our Fathers’ before slumber came, lying in a twin sized bed with my mother and a brother who secretly stopped believing in you as a child. Confirmation only confirmed the fear of disappointing you and I accepted the body of Christ like a hungry child skeptical of what lie ahead. I grew with time and as a teenager, looking for my place in the world, I sought out answers to questions only I seemed to ask. I have been hard on myself for much too long. I have feared you for even longer and it’s gotten to the point where I just don’t want to be scared anymore.

I have lost you… I have lost you in reasonable doubt. I have lost you in the sun-soaked grounds of a forceful christian camp. I have lost you with land. Lord, my imaginary friend…. I have lost you.

I have been at war with myself for much too long. Punishing my bad judgement and pointing out hell bound humans in crowds. Epiphany hitting me like sound-wave, as I lay in bed with a child only I can call mine. Realization sinking teeth so deep into my “god-awful” sins until they remarkably ceased to exist. Chains finally broken on this worried heart, never felt more alive until now. Never felt like more of a human and less of a slave to your beliefs.

I have lost you… I have lost you in bravery. I have lost you on my own path, seeking happiness and a better way to raise my child. I have lost you with years of denile. Lord, my imaginary friend…. I have lost you.

Cast your stones if you may… spiritually banish me to made-up places but I will continue to live. I will grow and not dread the wrath of God from this moment forward. I will move mountains in this world, love humanity, and continue to do good because I want to, not because I expect eternal life in return. Judge me just as I have judged so many throughout my life… but I will continue to move freely. I will continue to be free and no man nor myth can take that from me.