My Darling was building his computer by the sunlight of his curtainless window the day I started writing this in his almost-new notebook. I lay on his bed, reading one of his books. There is a soundtrack here…. music I have never heard until today and it’s been far too long since I’ve felt inspired or relieved…let alone love….taking over me. And I see your face, smiling in all the places I plan to be. It’s big and bright and silence makes comfortable sense at night. You’re here… like I never thought you would be. Quiet and humble and lovely in more ways than one. I told him I didn’t deserve this…. He said I deserve everything. And his half-painted walls are a reminder of every sacrifice he’s made to convince me to stay….and I love you. In the most grateful of ways. And my love is loud and unshy and overwhelming (at times) and it catches him off guard but I never mean for it to…. It just explodes into the world. The way love’s supposed to. Explodes like excitement and new ideas and stardust that you see in movies. Explodes like magic and sunlight beating down on sleepy eyes the morning after your first night together….when you realize he still has his arms around you, in the same position you fell asleep in…. because there’s no greater feeling than knowing you had no reason to move from that spot, during your sleep…that there was no discomfort or too much body heat….and how you hope it’s like that forever.
His sickness came bursting through my bedroom door unannounced and with no invitation… It took him away without cause or reason and in fits of frustration and fear, I questioned all we had and how far we had come… and for a second there, I thought he might leave. After months of falling asleep and waking up to him, I was alone just as I had been for three years before him. The three years that seemed nonexistent when we were busy making memories together….when he was feeding me doritos during Harry Potter nights and making cakes with Ava on her iPhone app. I saw him tonight. He was released from the hospital and out of respect for his mother,whom I had just met, I did not kiss him upon arrival. We laughed and talked and had dinner with his mother then he walked me to my car and I talked up a storm and he kissed me to silence me for a second and once again….electricity. And it hurt because it was all I had been waiting for since he left for the hospital and I knew it was a make it or break it kiss for me and it’s unheard of…how divine that kiss was and the only reason it hurt was because I felt guilty for questioning it at all.
My Darling. Through you, I have learned that it isn’t how long you’ve loved someone that determines love’s intensity, it is how hard you love them. And I love you like concrete heartbeats. I do not need a reason to adore you, I just do. I love you without caution because there is no careful way to truly love someone. We are not careful with our hearts. We are so trusting. And whether it ends in tragedy or in old age… right here, right now, at this very second…. I am happy (and you are sleeping) and I will see you tomorrow because tomorrow has promised me your safe return to my arms and bed.
