The Pros and Cons of Being Alive

November 26, 2011

Dear You,

     I am writing to you tonight because I have not done so in months. I have abandoned you because I no longer have a sit-down job where I can bullshit all day and evening… I actually have to work now. This is has been a roller coaster of strange, wonderful, sometimes devastating events. I still work for the same company, just a different, more rewarding position. Everyone calls it a gateway position because from here on out, we can only move up and out with company.

     I love my job. It’s stressful as fuck sometimes but I love it and the people I work with. That’s hard to come by these days. Most people complain about their work place, I go to work (late, usually) with a big cheesy smile on my face for more than one reason lately. My checks are very pleasant. Can’t say I’m struggling now, which is great in so many ways but also I have met someone wonderful. His name is Trevor and I’ve known him for a long while now but only in the last few months, as fate has allowed it, have we been seeing each other…

     Trevor. He’s amazing. haha. Amazing is an understatement. He’s just perfect by definition only I can define. It started off super innocent. He would help me with my math homework because the entire world knows I fuckin suck at math. We’d stay up late on AIM (LOL it’s silly, I know) working out math problems together then I’d go to work and he’d sit in our back office with me and help me there. We quickly became aware of how much we had in common. And then the math help sort of dissolved and all that was left were silly conversations about music and movies and Harry Potter and documentaries and I fell asleep texting him and woke up with texts and I was 15 again and I was head over heels and I think he was too. Then of course one night when he was leaving my apartment after a normal hang out session….he kissed me… and you can roll your eyes if you want but I felt electricity shoot through every vein in my body and my eyes hurt from how tight they were closed and then he did it again, and again, and then i kissed him and that was it, my friend…. That’s how it started. A nervous, slow, then electrifying kiss and now he’s all I see. Everywhere, in everything, and we’ve been inseperable since.

     My darling, I call him… because he’s handsome and sweet and good to not only me, but my Ava. Now don’t you go getting all worried. You know how I am. In the three years that I’ve been single, I have let close to no man near my little girl…. you know this. But Trev is different. I can feel it….everywhere. From the way he kisses me, to the way he looks at Ava when she’s talking nonsense to us as I’m getting dressed for work in the morning. He’s a genuinely nice, good-hearted man… And after years and years of chasing the assholes and life-ruiners and becoming an asshole and life-ruiner myself, I can finally appreciate a nice guy now that he has come my way.

     I’m gonna hold onto him for as long as I can. I want to say he’s the one… that we’ll marry and have children and live somewhere up north where it snows and our families will fly in every holiday season to spend time with us and the children…. but I can’t promise that this will play out that way… I can only appreciate that he is here right now because for all I know, he could be gone in the morning.

     So that brings me to the more devastating events that have taken place lately. One of them being my progress in school… I completely fucked myself in the ass this semester. I dropped 3 out of 4 classes and I’m not proud of it, alright…. I’m disappointed in myself because i know I have so much potential to do great things in school and I have let myself down. Please don’t make those eyes… dont look at me like that, I know what youre thinking and I wish you wouldnt think that. I promise you and myself that next semester I will redeem myself. Promise.

     Another tragedy: Trevor is in the hospital right now….with a sickness no doctor can diagnose. It’s driving me crazy. For the last few months we have spent almost every single day together and here I am, sitting at home, Trevor-less for almost 5 days now because he can’t have visitors due to the fact that they don’t know if it’s contagious or not. We talk as much as we can but he’s usually tired from the medicine they give him so he sleeps a lot. I took a 3 week vacation from work so I can spend some time with Ava and him but he’s been in the hospital and it doesnt make it any easier when my almost-4-yr old asks from him twice a day. I made him promise me that he will be better soon. It was a selfish promise, only a selfish girl would demand…. He told me I had to be strong so he can be strong…. I’m trying, my darling…. I really am….If all else fails, I told him I would book a room at the Omni La Mansion, a hotel across the street from his hospital. I told him I’d ask for the room directly across from his window and I’d make us string and cup phones so I can be with him above the streetlights and he wouldnt be so lonely….nor would i. Love…..haha its so pitiful in comparison to the feelings we have for each other.

     So here I am…. I just took a bubble bath and I’m about to start reading this Murakami book. I hope you are well. I hope you are divine and I hope I caught you at a good time. I am REALLY going to try not to disappear for months on end again. I know it bothers you. It bothers me too.

Pros: mutual love, financial stability, and  3 week vacation.

Cons: unwanted separation, shitty student, and hotel rates at La Mansion.